Sex After Kids: What’s Normal, What Isn’t, and Why No One Talks About It
You love your partner. You love your kids. But that part of you, the once sensual, flirty, down-for-it sex kitten, might feel MIA these days. Between body changes, exhaustion, hormonal shifts, the return to work, and a mental load that never quits, sex after kids can feel less like the kinky days of your Fifty Shades of Grey era and more… well, tired and complicated. And no one prepares you for just how much it all changes.
I’m pulling back the curtain on sex after kids, not the filtered version or the “just light a candle and reconnect” tips, but the raw, complicated truth of it all. Whether you’re a brand-new mom navigating night feeds and raw nipples or a few years in and wondering why you still don’t feel like yourself in bed, this is your place. Let’s talk about what’s normal, what isn’t, and why this conversation matters.
Sex After Kids: What’s Normal, What Isn’t, and Why No One Talks About It
Sex is one of the most intimate forms of connection in a marriage, and also one of the first things to shift after kids enter the picture. Your hormones change. Your body changes. Your schedule changes. Your mental and emotional capacity? Stretched thin. Your relationship? Often in the background, quietly waiting for its turn again.
No one really tells you what happens to your sex life after you have kids. There’s no “so here’s the part where you’re touched out, sleep-deprived, and quietly resentful” or “what to look out for and how to properly heal your vagina after baby” chapter in What to Expect When You’re Expecting.
You might notice physical changes—like pelvic floor trauma after birth, a dip in libido, vaginal dryness from shifting hormones, or even pain during sex—alongside emotional ones like anxiety, exhaustion, resentment, or just feeling not so hot anymore. Add to that the time warp of newborn life, the hormonal rollercoaster of lactation, toddler sleep regressions, extracurricular activities of older kids, the interruptions, and the seemingly always-sudden babysitter turnover, and yeah, it’s no surprise couples find themselves wondering if their sex life will ever come back.
This post exists to gently name those truths that often go unspoken. To give real expectations about sex after having kids and permission to start the conversation about what’s biologically, hormonally, emotionally, and relationally normal—and to meet this season with compassion, curiosity, and yes, some strategies for finding your way back to each other (or discovering a new version of intimacy altogether).
Is Sex an Important Part of a Relationship?
Short answer: yes.
Longer answer? Also, yes, but with context.
Sex isn't necessarily just about frequency or the performance of it all. It’s about staying connected and nourished, reinforcing trust and closeness in a world that’s often loud, busy, and demanding. For many couples, it’s not sex itself that creates intimacy, it’s the togetherness. The skin-to-skin energy. The eye contact that says, “I still choose you.”
That said, it’s totally normal for sexual desire to ebb and flow, especially when you’re navigating major identity shifts, hormone changes (that can be a battle for a long time), or sleep deprivation. The key is to talk about it, honor the season you’re in, and keep reaching for each other in small ways, even if that looks like sending a sexy picture that highlights your ‘good’ boob, a dirty text at lunch, or even holding hands on the couch while you watch Moana for the nine millionth time.
What to Expect When Having Sex After Kids
Resentment and Emotional Distance
The unfair mental split of parenting often spills into the bedroom. If one partner is doing more invisible labor (emotional, domestic, or physical), it can create resentment. And unspoken resentment builds distance. You might not even notice it at first, but it shows up in your tone, body language, and your desire (or lack of it). If you’re feeling unseen or unsupported, your body might protect you by disconnecting, and that’s a signal. For more on navigating those dynamics, you might like Are You Asking Too Much of Your Partner—or Not Enough?
Mental Load and Overstimulation
When you're carrying the mental load of an entire household, desire doesn’t disappear—it just gets buried under a thousand to-dos. You might get a sweet look from your partner or a casual touch that once would’ve sparked something… but now? You're mentally checking off preschool drop-off, wondering if you ever switched the laundry, and trying to remember if you brushed your teeth (while hoping that sticker on your butt isn’t still there).
It’s not about attraction, it’s about capacity. When your brain is sprinting in three directions, your body doesn’t always get the memo to relax. Overstimulation, decision fatigue, and being “touched out” from caregiving can make closeness feel like just another demand. But naming it helps. Reclaiming small moments of rest helps. And so does being with a partner who gets it, and gives you space to feel like you again first.
Vaginal Dryness and Pain During Sex
Many women experience vaginal dryness and pain during sex after childbirth, especially if they’re breastfeeding. These aren’t things you should just “push through”—there are solutions like lubricants, pelvic floor therapy, and hormone support that can help. Pelvic floor dysfunction or even prolapse can make intimacy uncomfortable or even scary. Never underestimate the power of pelvic floor therapy, it can be a game-changer in healing and restoring confidence. You deserve the opportunity to restore your body in a way that helps you feel good in it again.
Body Image Can Take a Hit
Whether your body looks exactly the same or wildly different, it often feels… unfamiliar. You may not feel sexy or even like yourself. You might catch your reflection in the mirror and do a double-take, not because you look “bad,” but because you don’t look like the you that used to slip into a tank top and feel like a whole vibe.
Maybe your boobs are two different time zones now. Maybe you haven’t worn a normal-looking bra since before baby number one. Maybe nothing in your closet makes you feel good, and buying something new feels like one more task on a list already too long.
It’s not shallow to miss the way you used to feel in your skin. You can love your body for what it’s done and still feel a little unsure about what it has become. And you’re not alone if the thought of being naked in front of someone (even the person you love most) feels vulnerable in a way it didn’t before.
The good news? Confidence doesn’t have to come from “snapping back.” It can come from softness, slowness, and learning to see yourself with the same gentleness you give everyone else. You don’t need to be perfectly toned or hair-free to feel wanted; you just need a safe space to show up as yourself. Even if that means one leg shaved, one boob leaking.
Personal Hygiene
Let’s be honest, personal hygiene after kids can feel like a luxury. Not getting the chance to shave your legs for days is normal. Squeezing in 5 seconds to clip your own nails is normal. And dry shampoo and a messy bun aren’t just for the weekends, it’s your everyday. So, chances of any alone time in the bathroom? LOL. You’re too busy doing everyone else's teeth, doing tongue-tie stretches on the baby, making sure your toddler gets his sensory input protocols in before the witching hour, giving baths, cleaning the baby bottles, night wakeups, and then crash-landing into bed while placing your next Instacart order for groceries and going down ChatGPT rabbit holes about all of your newly emerging and recurrent ailments, cloud seeding, apeel, and seed oils.
And if you do finally make time for sex? Your brain might be screaming, This is sweet, we needed this… and also: Dear God, I think I forgot to get the nipple hair I saw earlier. Are my heels rough? Why does my hip feel stuck? I need to call the pelvic floor therapist—like, tomorrow.
The overstimulated mom’s mind is never fully off-duty.
It’s not about being too lazy or not caring enough to have sex. It’s about being always on. Caring for everyone else before you even remember what it felt like to care for yourself. That level of depletion doesn’t disappear the moment you want to feel sexy; it takes time, intention, and support.
How to Boost Your Sex Life After Kids
Schedule Sex (Yes, Really)
I know, it sounds so unsexy. But intentionality is sexy when you’re busy (and when you are in a drought spell). Scheduling sex can remove the pressure of spontaneity and create time to mentally prepare. Think of it as a weekly date night, but horizontal.
And honestly? A calendar invite might be the only thing standing between you and another month of “accidental celibacy.” Plus, when it’s on the calendar, he might be more willing to assist in providing some much-needed alone time for you to sneak in a shower, decompress a little, and maybe even pluck your eyebrows for the first time in 6 months.
And the beauty of scheduling? It gives you space throughout the day to send a dirty text or two, share a lingering touch in the kitchen, or slip into a more playful version of yourself. Sometimes, the anticipation is the foreplay.
Cycle Sync It
If you're tracking your cycle, try aligning sex with the phases when your hormones naturally support desire, like the follicular and ovulatory phases. Estrogen rises after your period, boosting mood, confidence, and natural lubrication, while a mid-cycle testosterone spike can give your libido a welcome nudge. You might find yourself feeling flirty over nothing more than how he loads the dishwasher—and then, two days later, be repulsed by the sound of him breathing too loudly.
In contrast, during the luteal or menstrual phases, you might crave slower, more emotionally connected intimacy, or no intimacy at all. Sometimes what your body really needs is a heating pad, a brownie, and for everyone to stop asking you questions. And that’s okay.
Syncing your sex life to your cycle isn’t about rules, it’s about tuning in, paying attention, and giving yourself full permission to want wildly different things from one week to the next. Because some days, you’ll want to jump him in the hallway, and others, you’ll be fantasizing about sleeping diagonally across the bed without anyone touching you.
Curious to learn more? Check out Dr. Jolene Brighten’s guide to the menstrual cycle and Healthline’s breakdown on cycle syncing to explore how your hormones impact everything from libido to mood. I love Dr. Jolene Brighten and her podcast. She has so much to share on female health. I have learned so much about endometriosis, birth control and cycle-syncing from her.
Focus on Non-Sexual Touch
It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture or a movie moment, and it doesn’t have to lead anywhere, though it could. Try running your fingers along his arm as you pass by. Press your hips into him when you’re both in the kitchen. Brush your leg against his under the table and don’t pull away. These aren’t big moves, but they are tiny signals that say everything: I see you. I want you. I need you. I’m still in this with you.
These quiet, non-sexual touches matter more than you think. They remind your nervous system (and your heart) that you’re still connected, still allowed to touch and be touched, even without an end goal. This is the bridge back to intimacy. Step by step.
Talk About It (Even If It’s Awkward)
No one can read your mind, even the partner you’ve shared three birth stories, two kids, and 400 middle-of-the-night diaper changes with. If sex feels different, if you're dreading it, or if you're craving it more, it’s okay (and necessary) to say something. The conversation might feel clunky at first, but disconnection grows in silence. Honesty, even the uncomfortable kind, is intimacy in action.
See a Pelvic Floor Therapist
I know we’ve discussed pelvic floor therapy above, but it is worth mentioning a second time, because it is just that important. Sex shouldn’t hurt. And if it does, whether from pelvic floor trauma, prolapse, scar tissue, or just the sheer aftermath of growing and birthing a human, there’s help. Never underestimate the power of pelvic floor therapy. It can rebuild strength, reawaken sensation, and help you reclaim confidence in your body again (and keep you from peeing in your cute Lululemons). You deserve to feel good in your skin—and supported in getting there.
Natural Mood Boosters to Support Your Libido
You can’t force desire, but you can set the scene for it. If your hormones (or general life chaos) have you feeling flat, there are natural ways to lift the mood without reaching for synthetic fixes.
Maca root can help support hormone balance and boost energy (think of it as nature’s little libido latte booster).
Magnesium helps ease stress and tension, especially during the luteal phase, when you might be one toddler tantrum away from snapping.
Ashwagandha can help regulate cortisol, which means less fight-or-flight and more rest-and-receive energy.
Dark chocolate, sunshine, and a solo walk? Never underestimate the basics of serotonin magic.
And if scent is your thing? Certain essential oils are known to increase desire and relaxation, like ylang ylang and jasmine.
Less Talking, More Touching
Sometimes the fastest way to reconnect isn’t through conversation—it’s through your hands. A slow shoulder rub after bedtime. A five-minute foot massage while you’re both sitting on the couch. A back-of-the-neck touch that says “I know today was a lot, but I’m still right here.” Every touch doesn’t have to lead somewhere. When it’s offered as care, not expectation, it can disarm tension and open up closeness that doesn’t feel performative.
Get Curious, Not Critical
Maybe mornings are your new magic hour. Maybe cuddling in bed is what lights the spark right now. Maybe things feel different, and that’s not a problem to fix, but a new language to learn together. Instead of mourning what’s changed, ask: what feels good now? What helps us connect today? Get curious. Play. Relearn each other. You don’t need to go back to who you were, you get to become something new.
Give Yourself (and Each Other) Grace
Sex after kids is rarely effortless. It’s layered with emotion, time constraints, and years of inside jokes, invisible labor, and exhaustion. There’s no “normal” you have to get back to, just what feels right for both of you in this moment. So, release the pressure. Laugh at the awkward moments because they’re part of it, too. Try again tomorrow. Grace doesn’t mean giving up. It means giving space for desire to grow, for healing to happen, for love to stretch into its next form.
You’re Not Alone If…
You’re not alone if this season feels hard. You’re not failing if desire hasn’t magically returned. And you’re definitely not broken just because your sex life looks nothing like it did pre-kids.
You don’t need a new lingerie set to feel close again. Sometimes it starts with three deep breaths and letting your partner kiss you like you’re not just the default parent, but the woman they still see, still want, still choose.
This is a season. And seasons change. With communication, curiosity, and a little creativity, this can be the beginning of something new, not a return to what was, but a reimagining of what’s possible.
Every hand held. Every open conversation. Every laugh in bed when it all goes hilariously wrong. These small, imperfect moments matter more than you think. They’re not detours—they’re the path. The way back to closeness is rarely linear, but it’s built in moments like these.
Start where you are.
Flirt a little.
Touch a little.
Laugh when it’s awkward.
Own the mess and the magic.
Because sex after kids isn’t the end of something, it’s the beginning of something new. A softer, slower, deeper kind of intimacy, built not in spite of real life, but because of it.
So if you’re here, reading this, thinking about closeness—even just craving the idea of it—you’re already on your way back. ♡
